“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.”

- Sylvia Plath

“Djuna wanted to laugh, and forget his words, but he did not allow her to laugh or to forget. He insisted that she retain this image of himself created in his talks at night, the image of his intentions and aspirations. Every day he handed her anew a spider web of fantasies, and he wanted to make a sail of it and sail their barge to a port of greatness.”

-The Four-Chambered Heart (Anaïs Nin)

Rewind it back a few years. When I was about to make the move to New York City, I started looking at apartments in various neighborhoods. I hardly knew the layout of the city back then. The only thing that was certain was I was drawn to the East Village/Lower East Side. One of my earliest memories of both of these places has a lot to do with apartment hunting. I would walk around the area, list in hand, trying to find the right spot. Often this would happen in the evenings - after work. I would take the train to that “wide, colorful street” known as Houston and plot paths from there.

One evening this past week, as I was walking home through this area (specifically 1st Ave and Houston), I started thinking about my first impression of the city all those years ago. For a moment there, in that weird spot where Houston and 1st Ave and 1st St and Ave A come together, where EV meets LES, where Katz’s meets the old buildings meets the park with the trees, I felt like un etranger.

I suddenly became a younger version of myself. I suddenly remembered how cold it was those evenings so long ago. I remembered what I was wearing. I remembered the excitement I felt exploring this part of the city. I remembered the places where I got food, the places I went into “just to see what it was about”, the places I entered to get out of the cold, the places I used as a spot to think over the apartments. And I made a note of places I needed “to come back to”.

I remembered how naive I was. How young I was. And then the flashback ended. I was in a familiar place again. As wise as I have become about NYC in the last few years, I still am naive - and young. In a way, it’s still the same cold evening. There’s still so much more to explore: some new, some old. It’s one of the exciting things about the city. I saw a tiny juice “shack” on the corner of A and 1st: was that there before? Why hadn’t I noticed it the last couple of times I’ve walked by?

I should like “to come back to” it.

Worpswede, near Bremen, July 16th, 1903:

You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

Letters to a Young Poet

My friend Shawn wrote to me today about his State-by-State project:

As you know, Judy is seven months pregnant, and we’re kind of stranded in our tiny apartment in Brooklyn.  So this fall, instead of vacationing somewhere exotic, we’re taking a virtual road trip of our great country by reading the book State by State, an anthology of 50 essays on our 50 glorious states.

I _love_ the idea.

The state-by-state reminds me of a small project I did a couple of years ago called simply “The 50 States” [1]. In April 2006, I became a citizen of the US and I decided to throw a party to celebrate. I didn’t have much time to travel cross-country (that was another thought) so I figured I’d make the states come to me. Everyone was told to “dress up” as a state. Tons of people played along - although not everyone understood the online “reservations” component. Anyway…memories.

Shawn + Judy’s site looks amazing - the first couple of entries have pointed me to some interesting stories and backgrounds. I’ve started following the feed. I’m looking forward to learning more about the states in the coming weeks.

Notes:

1. The inpiration for “The 50 States” came from a couple of close friends I was talking to in early April 2006. Some of the other ideas included a throwing a ball or having some sort of open “Americana” theme. Some of the energy also came from Sufjan Stevens’ effort to create an album for every state in the union.

E. B. White, Notes and Comment:

“If the world were merely seductive [...] that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

sweet nothings whispered
“think good thoughts” she says
patiently he waits

Throw it before it’s too late.